Lick the salt, suck the lime
by Alalaes
Summary: Sakura knows what to do with a Saturday night. (Ninja-verse, AU, Written for the 2016 KakaSaku Last Fan Standing contest)


Sakura stormed down the street, fists clenched, barely noticing the civilians she left scattered in her wake.

So was this it then?

If it wasn't missions, training commitments or scheduling conflicts, it was kami-damned _porn_. Their first date in two months and he bails because _Icha Icha_ is having some sort of random advance screening? Kakashi's predilections weren't a new thing and hey, she liked a little _Icha Icha_ as much as the next warm-blooded woman, but did he have to be so rude about it? Standing outside the cinema with his stupid mask and his stupid book giving her that 'can't-you-see-I'm-busy?' look. Well screw that. Screw him.

Inner fist pumped.

Damn it all, she'd shaved above her knees too! Sakura had planned on taking him back to her place … planned on showing him her new lingerie set … planned on having her way with him (after the candlelit dinner of course). She sighed. There were _so_ many plans. If she didn't love the guy to death she'd-

Well.

Two could play at that game. Sure, Ino was on call this weekend (and wasn't she going to be so pissed once she found out how much a non-event Sakura's Saturday night had been?), but nothing was stopping Sakura from having a chick-flick marathon all on her lonesome.

An eerie groan abruptly pulled her from her thoughts, to find the mangled remains of her doorknob clenched in her palm. She eyed her landlord's windows furtively. (He was ex-ANBU and could hear a senbon drop on market day.) Noting the still darkened windows ( _thank fuck_ ) her shoulders drooped in relief, but there was no saving her doorknob.

"That's the second one this month," she said, mournfully.

-OOO-

A couple hours later, safely ensconced in her apartment—new lock and all (she might still keep her deposit)—into her second bottle of umeshu and having painted her nails a vivid red, Sakura was feeling … 'zen'? Yes, zen was the word. She needed this, especially after the last few days. Because, was this it for them? Was this what it came down to? They just didn't have the time? Or was it because they couldn't _make_ the time for each other?

It sounded like such a cop-out.

Sakura had to admit (finally) that the question wasn't whether she was losing Kakashi, but if she'd ever had him in the first place. She couldn't flatter herself anymore thinking she knew him. Someone like him … everything he'd gone through … she just didn't know anymore. It was increasingly looking like another Sasuke situation. Damn her fix-it tendencies! This was why she'd lost her virginity at twenty-five … it had been so hard to let anyone else in after Sasuke. Shit. She had to look at this objectively or she was gonna lose her mind.

Sure most nights she came back late … but they weren't even living together! He took all those S-ranks and he was gone for months at a time and sometimes she only knew he was back because he was there-bloody and gore-splattered-sitting calm as can be on her examining room table! But that was shinobi life and wasn't unique to their relationship. Ino and Shikamaru certainly weren't immune to it with his long hours with his dad and Ino at the hospital and T & I …

Maybe it was something else.

It was probably her. She knew she wasn't an easy person to love – too much baggage. And she'd never been satisfied with her body, heck, what girl was? The fact she had small boobs was a bit of an in-joke amongst her friends. Of course being around such paragons of femininity as Ino-pig and Hinata-chan didn't help, but her shishou was enough to give _any_ woman an inferiority complex. Still, having Kakashi choose _Icha Icha_ over their date, made today's light-hearted commentary sting just that little extra. Crap. Ino was gonna kill her and she already had so much to say on the matter …

 _"You just need to shake him up a little Forehead, remind him why we have those genin on retainer. Even half-dead and nearly comatose that jounin couldn't keep his hands off you."_

 _Sakura gaped at the blonde._

 _"Jounin? Way to make me sound like a paedophile … that boy was barely a genin," she said shaking her head, "He was so wet behind the ears I don't think he'd even started using a razor. Besides it doesn't count, some people do weird things on morphine."_

 _"Look," Ino smirked back at her, "All I'm saying is take a few nights off, hell, if I've got Shizune take the weekend! Wine him and dine him, make him buy you some new lingerie, then give him a show!" The kunoichi flicked her hair back. "I mean geez, when was the last time you guys had sex? You're getting that congested look again."_

 _"PIG. You're so inappropriate," she hissed, "Sex doesn't solve everything! Let's talk about something else. All we seem to do is talk about boys these days ..."_

 _The blonde frowned back. "Fine. But you better do something about this frustration Sakura. Even your patients are beginning to notice. Half the bed rails have your fingerprints permanently imbedded in the metal and those are hella expensive … you've gotta blow off some steam."_

She groaned. This was all in her head wasn't it? Shinobi as skilled as Kakashi didn't purposely catch a kunai in their shoulder just so they could visit their girlfriend in hospital for nothing … They needed to talk. They needed to sort this out face-to-face. As usual she was too sensitive; Haruno Sakura, The Emotional, The Prickly, always the first to take offense and the last to let it go.

She dipped the rim of her glass in salt and threw back the shot.

 _Tch._

Maybe that was why she'd been so attracted to Sasuke in the first place? Sometimes she still wondered if beneath all the bravado, she wasn't still that shy, self-conscious, socially inept little girl, who clung to that impossible of impossible of aims — to please everyone around her and have everyone around her like her in return. She shook her head, clutching her glass. No; that girl was gone. Maybe she'd left with Sasuke. (Or maybe she was in hiding, waiting for her to lose her grip …)

 _"Like hell,"_ inner growled.

She shook her head and padded over to her closet; it was full-to-bursting– one half mission-wear, the other …

"Hmmm let's see what we have here …" she muttered. "The pink? No. No. The white? Ugh. Maybe … the red?"

Well.

Honestly, she wasn't too bothered about her bra size. Sakura hated bras anyway. Hated the way the wires and the straps dug in. Not to mention how damned expensive they were! But she did love lingerie. She loved lace and ribbons and chiffon. Few things in life gave her greater joy than slinking around her apartment in a babydoll, sipping her umeshu and watching Jakku make sweet love to Rozu. Only one thing was missing ...

She smiled, licked the salt off her lip and drunkenly fished around under her bed, the sheer red babydoll exposing the perfection of her battle-honed ass all for the benefit of an empty bedroom.

Hell yeah! Who needed boyfriends when she had—

"Hello Wiggles-san, long time no see ..."

— her super awesome (lime-green) vibrator.

Who's busy now bitch?

-OOO-

Kakashi exited the cinema with a frown. He was ruminating … but not on the latest film portrayal of _Icha Icha_ (nothing could beat the books in his opinion. _Icha Icha_ was _literature_ first and foremost).

No his ruminations involved things altogether … pink.

Give him S-class jutsu; give him hordes of enemy nin; give him tree zombies; give him bunny goddesses; give him … unhappy girlfriends and he was about ready to raise the white flag. Sakura had stormed into the cinema, eyed him, and then stormed back out. Something was wrong, and he was clueless to an unacceptable degree. A blonde head of hair exiting the hospital entrance immediately caught his eye. Maybe all he needed was a translator …? He quickly body flickered.

"Yo, Yamanaka-san."

The blonde jumped and whipped around so fast he had to dodge her pony-tail whiplash. Man, it was creepy how much she looked like her father, sans feminine appendages of course.

"Oh it's _you_ ," she said archly.

His eyes creased into half-moons. "Is Sakura in?" he said gesturing to the ER.

The Yamanaka raised one perfectly groomed eyebrow. "No, but since she's not on a dinner date with you, like she said she was going to be, I'm guessing something happened." She eyed him sharply. "Ya know she's not at her best at the moment. She probably went home."

He stared blankly at her for what seemed like an inordinately rude amount of time, then whipped out his _Icha Icha Tactics_ and casually about-faced in the direction of Sakura's apartment.

 _Fuck._

-OOO-

Sakura tensed as she slid the lime-green vibrator inside.

 _Holy-_

Why had it taken so long for her to remember Wiggles-san? She lay completely still, on her back, for a long while just enjoying the full sensation. Of course, Wiggles-san had many virtuous qualities … She bent forward, pressed the 'on' button and immediately slumped back as her eyes fluttered shut.

 _Ohhh._

She arched her back.

 _Yes. That hits the spot._

Sakura could hear herself making desperate little sounds, but she couldn't help it. This was exactly what the medic-nin ordered … As always, a certain silver-haired shinobi, training with an ANBU squad, came to mind. Those dark grey eyes, heavy-lidded, liquid and fierce—

She shuddered and slid her hands over her breasts.

—the fingerless gloves, sleeves rolled up exposing tanned forearms—

She sucked in a breath.

—that lithely muscled body under a standard issue flak jacket—

Sakura moaned in delight. The shinobi was brave, and skilled, and kind and so in control, nothing fazed him … his hands were on her, touching her …

—that mask—

Her insides clamped.

No. Nope.

She was going to burst or melt or both … her orgasm scrambled to the precipice, her insides tightened around the vibrator—

Her lips parted—

And—

And—

Something smashed through the door.

-OOO-

Kakashi stood at Sakura's front door, holding a box of apology-dango, listening to a sound that was rapidly bringing back all his darkest ANBU memories. It was the buzzing sizzling of electric shock torture, over the pained moans of his precious person.

He didn't hesitate; his chakra surged and the door simply … _exploded._

-OOO-

Sakura immediately froze as Kakashi body flickered into the bedroom.

He had a box of what looked like dango in one hand and a kunai in the other and the most feral look on his face … if she wasn't so angry she probably would have orgasmed right then and there. Of course, her luck being what it was, her orgasm promptly withered and Wiggles-san's battery died.

She could only conclude that the very universe was against her.

"What-the-hell-do-you-think-you're-doing-Kakashi?" she gritted out and clambered off the bed.

Sakura watched in muted fascination as Kakashi quickly scanned the room, then took her in, eyes flicking over her body, the feral look fading as a flush rose to his cheeks and he goggled at her.

"Uh …"

She stalked forward, knuckles cracking with strain, her babydoll flowing around her hips displaying erotic snippets of skin … He backpedaled as she backed up her fist to punch him, then tripped over the remains of the front door, barely dodging her next chakra punch.

"Ah Sakura, wait I—"

"Can't-you-see-I'm-busy?" she roared over him, and then slammed the largest piece of wood remaining from the door into the door sill.

It was so … crazy. She couldn't stop the laughter pouring out of her mouth.

Well.

Ino would be proud. She certainly had 'shaken him up a little'. Who knew the Copy-nin could make such a face? The look was equal parts confusion, bewildered shock and arousal. She was gonna tease him forever.

Now, she had a spare pair of batteries around here somewhere …

-OOO-

The vibrator vibrates  
That's what it does  
It doesn't suck up  
Nor blow

But it does hum  
If you listen intensely  
It awakens in you  
Stravinsky's fireworks  
In 4/4*

—Rudolph Rinaldi, _'The Vibrator Vibrates'_

-OOO-

1\. Something a little more light-hearted eh?

2\. Adapted from my Day 21 KakaSaku Last Fan Standing 2016 entry. Prompt was - 'Can't you see I'm busy? I was going for stressed/pedantic/neurotic/sex-starved!Sakura here. Let me know whether I succeeded?

3\. Has anyone watched the 2012 'Hysterical Literature' video series by Clayton Cubitt? Basically various women read a piece of classical literature (of their choice), while brought to orgasm by a vibrator. They're fully dressed but an assistant controls the vibrator under the table. Funny as hell and _ya know_ it's art and shit. Un. Check it out, it's all on youtube.

4\. By the way, been reading some really good KakaSaku fics out there lately … all in my faves.


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